Saturday, March 29, 2008

Time

After Shannon was born, we spent 8 hours with her before we said goodbye to her at the hospital. In retrospect, it was enough time in some ways, and not nearly enough time in many others. I have thought of lots of things that I would have done, if I'd only thought of them at the time - plaster casts of her feet or hands (we couldn't get handprints because her fingers wouldn't take the ink), or more photos or just stuff like that. I would have brought her a blanket or an outfit if I had known. We had to squeeze an entire lifetime into 8 hours because, when your baby dies, all you have are those photos or memories and imprints on your heart. You don't get holidays or graduations or weddings. You got your time and there is no more.

I am less sad that Shannon has been gone for 7 weeks now, or that I should have been 25 weeks pregnant today than I am about the fact that I have an entire lifetime ahead of me which she will not be a part of. That is where the real pain in my heart lies. I never knew how much I wanted a daughter until I lost the one that I had. And now I am scared that I will never have that daughter and what I will have is just the memories and the photos of a fragile little girl who was taken from me way too soon. She will never have an easter egg hunt with her brother or get married or sneak downstairs to open her Christmas presents early. Man, that just really sucks.

Shannon - mommy really misses you and I hope that you can see your flower garden from where you are. Love, me.

1 comment:

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your son. My youngest is also having a hard time with all this. I just think of what a compassionate man he will be after having this experience. I too look back and wish I had done more to make memories of Tyler. All I can do now is treasure the few memories that I have. Lots of hugs and love to you both!
Kara