Thursday, March 13, 2008
Tantrums are underrated
Shannon died 5 weeks ago, and I am hitting this spot where I am feeling really lonely, but I am not sure why. I am frustrated that I can't figure out what my body is doing - no AF yet, but nothing else either. I am moody and crampy, which could be PMS, or it could be the progesterone, and I just want to have answers as to what the heck is going on in my body. And I know, in my head, that it's only been 5 weeks and that healing and grief and hormones take time, but I am just not accepting it. Today it hit me that I have to throw a birthday party for my son, and I don't want to be there myself because there are people who would come who are due in or around July and it hurts me to think that I will see them looking all pregnant (like I should be at that point) while I am here, swirling around the drain. I may feel differently and hopefully will be in a different place by then, but today it all seems like it will suck forever. It's like I've reached the temper tantrum phase of mourning, and I just want to scream 'it isn't fair' and 'why me?' all day, but that would get me nowhere. I don't even have anyone to be angry with, because I personally don't buy that it's ok to be mad at "God" because s/he loves you anyway. I don't believe that there is any greater purpose in all this. It just sucks.