Sunday, March 23, 2008
Spring is here
Spring is here and, who cares? I still feel terribly sad over the loss of my beautiful baby. She's been gone for 6 weeks. I miss her immensely. I am not sure that time makes some things better. I've certainly found ways to deal with my loss and still be a functioning member of society, but it's not always by choice. I've lost my sense of optimism, which I had after my first two losses. I've lost a lot of the hope that I had back then. I've changed a lot. So many things seemed so important to me 6 weeks ago and today I could care less about them. TV shows that I don't watch anymore. Stuff I don't read. So many people seemed important to me 6 weeks ago and, if I never heard from them again, I'd probably not miss them much. It seems kind of severe, but it happens. I'd give anything to be the person that I was before, if it meant having Shannon back. But that isn't going to happen because she can't come back. And it makes me angry and frustrated to know that my baby is gone. Why did it have to be my baby that died? It's not that I would wish this pain on anyone else instead of me, but I don't think this is very fair or just. Why shouldn't I be putting together baby furniture, instead of planting a memorial garden for my little girl? It all just seems kind of pointless at the moment.