Sunday, November 29, 2009


I went back to work 2 months ago. Most of the people I worked with only found out I was pregnant shortly before I left (if they knew at all). Part of this is because I am a private person, but part of it was wanting to keep my pregnancy under wraps, in case something bad happened.

When people who don't know me very well find out that I have two boys, almost all of them say, "well, now you have to try again for a girl." And I look at them, wondering what to say. To some, I say that we won't be trying for a girl, that I had a girl, and that she died. Now, I can't say that to everyone, because sometimes it just isn't worth it, but sometimes it is just the right thing to say. I had my daughter, and she is not here anymore. And that makes me sad.

In a few short months, it will be 2 years since we said goodbye to Shannon. That is really weird to me. In some ways, it doesn't seem like it could possibly be that long. It makes me realize that while I have come far since February 2008, there is still such as long way to go.

Thanksgiving 2009

As Thanksgiving weekend draws to a close, I have been thinking back over the past three years. I started my pregnancy journey in December 2006, and ended it in July 2009. Along the way, I met some wonderful people, and cried more tears than I had in my entire life before that time. But I am, despite the pain and the losses of my butterflies and Shannon, grateful for those that I have met along the way who have provided me with love, comfort, support and a surprising number of laughs. So, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my children, those here with me on earth, and those that soar in a different reality. On our annual trip northward, I told my oldest that I was thankful for my family. And he said, "I know why you are thankful. It is because this year we have a baby, and last year the baby died and this baby didn't die. I have a brother, and the other baby was my sister." And then he asked why the baby died. And I still don't have a good answer for him.

He asked that question a few times this weekend. He doesn't talk about his sister very often but, when he does, it is like a waterfall of questions and issues about why she isn't here. And there are no good answers, other than saying that sometimes bad things happen, and that is how life is sometimes.

Looking back on how far I've come and, recognizing that I still have far to go on this loss journey, I realize that the people in your world make all the difference along the way. This journey would be so much harder if there weren't people who understand that the grieving process doesn't end, even if you have much to be thankful for. But I am thankful, just the same.