Wednesday, February 8, 2012

four years

Four years ago yesterday, I got news that no parent to be wants. I found out that my precious baby had died. I got to do the walk of shame out the back door of the OB's office, then down the elevator with my husband to the street, where I got the task of calling my folks to come down and watch my older child, so I could get induced to deliver a child who was already gone. To do all that work, only to meet someone I'd been waiting for, only long enough to say goodbye. Today, 4 years later, I walk past that building almost daily. I walk down that street where I crumbled, and where I cried, and I still think of that day. And how much it sucked. And 4 years ago, after getting that horrible news, I went back to my office, to wait for the doctor to call with the hospital plans. During my wait, I reached out to a community of beautiful women who had suffered losses in the second and third trimesters. And they reached back for me and held me tight. How strong they were for me, how wise they were, how helpful they were in telling me what to expect. My friends are peppered generously with those beautiful women, and they continue to be there for me, and I for them, and we continue forward, through our rainbows, and our rain, and we share a bond that just helps. They are still there, 4 years later, strangers who knew that I needed them. Now friends. I've said thanks to them before, and to all of those who were my support system then, and now. And I thank all of you again today, from the bottom of my heart, for being there where I needed you. You are rockstars. Each and every one of you. Four years have brought a lot of changes. My rainbow is getting to be a big kid. My big kid is getting to be an even bigger kid. And I still wonder what that little girl is doing, and where she is, and if she can see the snow and the butterflies there. February 7 and 8 are, to me, the 2 worst days of the year. Every year. But good things came from losing Shannon, and even though there is a huge hurt on my heart from losing her, it's sometimes good to remember the good things (and people) that came from those days too. Shannon - mommy misses you and wishes you a happy birthday. I know that today should not have been your birthday - it should have been months from now - but it is the best we've got. Love you forever, love you for always, as long as I'm breathing, my baby you'll be.