Sunday, April 20, 2008

three lines

I used to write a lot. For me. My job involves a lot of writing too, but that is work and it uses a different set of brain cells. Most of my poetry and writing comes from places of sorrow or transition in my life - and it's no different now. My thoughts when I write come from a place that I can't access with my daily brain, it is a place that I can't get to, it just is there on the paper or on the screen when I am done. I write for myself. I've started and ended many journals since I first started journaling. I guess the crisis or whatever prompted the journal faded from my thoughts, and the urge to write faded with it. Shannon doesn't fade.

Wednesday you were there
By Thursday morn you were gone
life's forever changed.

three lines. One about the day before she died, one about the day she died, one about life now.

Why doesn't the loss fade? Why doesn't letting it all out just be it - why is there always more? I accept that there will always be more, if I have another child, if I don't. Learning to live again, learning to breathe again, it's all new now and it is all done knowing that everything has changed. I don't like change. I've stayed at my job for 9 years because I don't like change. I listen to the same music I listened to in the 80's, because I like it more than anything else. It is comfortable. It is familiar. It is safe. When life changes, we try to cling to those things that are familar, comfortable and safe. We try to cling to our past. But the past is gone, my baby is gone, and I have to be and breathe in this new world, without a net. Life's forever changed. And I don't feel familiar anymore.



1,000 Faces of MotherHenna said...

Liz, soooo many supportive vibes to you. Time becomes such a weird entity after our children die. I remember right after Kota died -- for about two years -- time seemed to take forever to pass and at the same time, it seemed like a blink ago that he was here. Anyway, Dr. Jo, Chey's Mom, posted an interesting entry about this today over at:

if you are interested...
Miracles to you!

Liz said...

Thank you Kara for stopping by Shannon's blog. Time really is pretty messed up after a loss. It's good to be reminded every once in a while that you are not the only one who has experienced these kinds of things, and maybe you aren't as crazy as you feel sometimes.
peace and light to you.