Monday, April 14, 2008

joining the ranks

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I surf the world of the dead baby blogs. There are a lot of them out there, and it never ceases to amaze me that such strong women exist and continue to exist, even though their hearts have been broken into millions of pieces. It is reassuring in some ways, because it's hard not to feel alone sometimes. Or that no-one else understands, but the reality is that a lot of people understand or at least know kinda what you are going through. It gives my sorry bitter self hope that there is hope, which I know, despite my being so sad and angry about my losses, but sometimes I forget about that hope part, and it is nice to get a reminder. And these moms, of the dead babies, even though some of them (a reassuring number of them) have gone on to have subsequent children after their losses, they still grieve their lost little one. They still mark each birthday and holiday with the "what could, would and should have beens" of their lost baby. Even years after their losses, they mark their year-time the same way I mark my near-time without Shannon. Every day. It doesn't go away. It will never go away. I will always miss my Shannon, and I will always miss her siblings.

I posted a link to a board that links to a lot of the blogs. I've sent them this blog so that I can join the ranks of the dead baby blogs, so that someone else who can't sleep might feel a little less alone because there is another bitter and twisted mom out there who is sad and angry and missing her baby, but who is still hopeful that there has to be something better ahead.

Shannon - your flowers are blooming from all the rain and the rabbits only eat the white ones (don't ask me why), not the purple and red ones, so enjoy the rainbow garden. I miss you lots and love you more.

1 comment:

1,000 Faces of MotherHenna said...

Liz, I feel this all the time! On the one hand, there are moments when I feel so alone. And then when the overwhelming grief of Kota's death made me seek help, I suddenly saw all these thousands and thousands of other "dead baby blogs" out there and was overwhelmed to know there are so many of us. Isolated by the millions, my husband says.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here! Though I do, of course, wish we were all meeting for a different reason...
miracles,
k-