Friday, April 4, 2008

Everybody stands where they sit

I've been wondering lately, could this all be worse? Sure it could, but how? Is your pain different because you have kids already vs. not? Probably. I don't think my pain from losing Shannon is less, but I think inherent in the equation is that at some point, my body produced a child. Whether it can or will do that again is where I am totally at a loss, but at some point it did. And I have that. I know that, it's real. And so I don't know what all of this would be like if I didn't have my son. But I am sure that it would be scary. And truthfully, now I worry more about losing him than I ever did before. So, I lost a little there too.

So then, does the fact that I had three losses make this different? Sure. I don't know if my body can do it anymore because it hasn't done it lately - so, I get to worry in the first trimester if I am going to have another first trimester loss; then I get to worry in the second if I am going to have a loss; and then, after that, I get to worry that something bad that HASN'T happened to me yet could happen. And I don't know if that is all that different from any mom who has suffered the tragic loss of their child, but it is really scary.


Katie said...

Liz~ you took the words right out of my mouth.
Stay strong...we need to just always believe in miracles! Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Liz... I have the same thoughts every day. Thinking of you always!!! Shelli