Thursday, June 5, 2008

Otherwise, I am doing mostly ok

I actually kinda marveled at myself for typing those words in an e-mail the other day. I have tried so hard, since my loss, to be honest with people about how I was feeling, about the sadness that is overwhelming, about the anger at losing Shannon, about the crushing loneliness that comes from feeling like you might be the only one still missing your baby. Other that that stuff, I guess I am mostly ok. Sad, angry and lonely, but ok. So, while at first I thought that I was being a big fat liar for saying that I was mostly ok, I guess that I am not a liar. Do I still have terrible days when I just cry? Absolutely. Do I still know that every day that passes is another day closer to my EDD? Absolutely. Is my frustration at trying to conceive again multiplied by the fact that I miss Shannon so much? Absolutely. But I am mostly ok. Will I ever be totally ok? Nope. But that is ok too. Because I will always be me.

I have to make a note to myself to post about how absolutely not prepared I was emotionally and psychologically to have a house full of people for my son's birthday party. I was not ok.

Shannon baby, 17 weeks ago you left me. And I miss you terribly. I will always love you so very much, my first daughter. In just a few short days, you will have been gone for as long as you were here, and that is really hard for me to comprehend. I wish you were here. I hope wherever you are is better than here, because then at least you'd be in a better place than here. For what that's worth. Mommy loves you.


Christine (Lucy's Mom) said...

LIz- i am holding you in my heart always... i am sorry this is what are live are like counting the number of weeks our children are gone is not something anyone should have to do. peace, light and love, C

Lynne said...

For what it is worth, you did amazingly well hostessing your son's birthday party. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. Sean seemed to be having a great time. You did good, mom.