Thursday, May 29, 2008

Loose "change"

Our children change us... whether they live or not. Lois McMaster Bujold, "Barrayar", 1991

Change is something that moms who've suffered the loss of their children know all too well. In a moment, a heartbeat *the stopping of a heartbeat* everything changes. Hopes and dreams are shattered and an unspeakable sadness creeps into your life and fills up all your empty spaces. What do you do with that? In some ways, I guess the answer is nothing. There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do to change what happened to your baby. There is nothing you can do to change what happened to you. It just IS. And you putter along though whatever shitstorm life has just thrown at you and you hope for the best and you make it up as you go along and you hope that no-one can see that you are not strong, that you just are trying to keep your head above water long enough to make it to the other side of this terrible thing. I don't know what that other side looks like, I am not there yet, but I think that I will not be surprised to find out that it looks like more of the same old, same old.

One of my more recent favorite quotes is from the Jam - 'bullshit is bullshit, it just goes by different names' I'd heard them sing that line probably thousands of times over the past 20 years or so, but I heard it after I lost Shannon and I wrote it down in my little book of stuff that I write down when I want to remember it. There is an immense amount of BS in the world, and a real lack of understanding of what it means to be a grieving mother. There is no handbook, there is no memo, there are no guidelines for how people can relate to you.

I am having a birthday party for my son this weekend. Other than a few close friends and family, no-one has seen me since the baby died. I am a little worried about that. I am worried that someone will say something and make me cry. I am more worried that no-one will say anything, which will make me cry later.

Shannon - I found out 16 weeks ago that you were gone. I miss you, little one. That's all. I just miss you. Love, Mommy


Holli said...

I dread seeing people who haven't seen me since the loss. My husband's cousin called today (she lives out of town). She talked like nothing happened. It really hurt me that she didn't mention my baby. She lost TWO babies early in her marriage (she much older now). She should know what it feels like. It just really bothered me that she didn't say anything.

1,000 Faces of MotherHenna said...

Sending you so many supportive vibes for the birthday party. I know for me, still, parties and holidays are so difficult unless I can have them on my own terms. Which I guess means that those days become more ritual, with conscious, spoken space for both joy and grief, celebration and memorial. But otherwise, just the regular old party or holiday is so hard. It's like the line about BS -- the regular old, socialize and make small talk stuff is just such BS. It's very hard to feel real or whole or even present in those situation. Anyway, just thinking of you and sending lots of Reiki vibes!

Ange said...

So very sorry to hear about Shannon. I hope this community can provide some care and support for you. Its a very hard road to walk but it helps to have people to lean on..take care

Holli said...

I really LOVE that quote. Do you mind if I borrow it?