Saturday, June 28, 2008

in the spotlight, alone

I don't know when, if ever, this pain ends. I thought that it would get easier, but when it seems like it is, then it just goes and starts hurting again. I thought that I'd be pregnant by now, and hoped that a new pregnancy would lessen the pain. But I am not pregnant, and I'm not sure that it would have helped anyway. I thought earlier this week that I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, but it appears that it was either a dud test, or something, because none of the tests since then were positive. In the past weeks, it seems that at least 4 of my friends have found out that they are pregnant. And several people I know have given birth to healthy girls. And I can't bear to hear about it, read about it or see it because it's not me. And it makes me feel bad to feel this way because I feel like I should be able to be there for people who have been there for me, but I can't right now. And, I hate that my body is not cooperating in getting pregnant and I hate that every month, I hear the same thing - that people are pulling for me, that it's my month, that people have a good feeling, that I'll get my rainbow baby soon. None of it matters. And none of it makes me feel any better. I wish it did, because I appreciate the support. And I appreciate that people care. But I also recognize that I have always found it is easier to support other people that it is to have any hope for myself. Believing it myself if entirely another story. And I'd like to believe that when I say crap like that, that it makes someone feel better, and not worse because, more than anything else, I don't want people to feel bad.

All of this just makes me feel like I am under a spotlight - star of the "she's still not pregnant show" and it seems like it is becoming a show that has 1 star - me. This month was my last chance to get pregnant before Shannon's due date. And it looks like we failed again. And it makes me want to just crawl under a rock and not come out. Having another baby won't replace Shannon. But it would be nice to have something go my way. I really really miss her. And I feel like the tears that I do cry aren't even getting close to the well of tears that hasn't opened yet - and I don't know when (or if) it will open, but I am scared. I feel like I am on the edge of an abyss and that if I fall in, I will be gone for a really long time.


Anonymous said...

I don't know how or why I found your blog, but I have read several entries. I understand your pain as I lost my second son during my fifth month of pregnancy. The grief lessens over time, but I have never forgotten him. I did go on to have two more sons so I wanted to offer you hope. Please know that the best way for me to work through my grief was to take care of the child I had. At first it was just going through the motions but soon I was able to feel the joy of his exuberant personality & zest for living & learning. Most people don't understand the depth of this kind of loss. I hope that your heart heals, & that you will be able to feel joy again. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Just know we are there for you through thick and thin whenever you need us! xo~Katie