Wednesday, October 8, 2008

days of atonement

So, yesterday was really the 8 month mark of losing Shannon and today is the 8 month mark of when she was born, but I was crazy at work yesterday defending my client against an asshat, and I was so tired when I got home that I was ready to puke, so reflecting on my loss didn't make the cut. How do I feel after 8 months? I am fucking frustrated that I am not pregnant yet. Let's start with that because never in my life has it taken me 8 months to get pregnant. I am totally frustrated that I conceived Shannon a year ago this month and I still have jack shit to show for any of my reproductive efforts. And, I am probably about to get my period tomorrow or friday, which will just let my raging bitch continue her tirade. And the march towards 40 with no baby continues on.

I am at the point now where I have to donate all the formula samples I got because they expire in June 2009 and I won't have a baby by then, even if I find out I am pregnant today (which I am not). So, then I will have empty cupboards to go with the empty uterus and the empty heart. And man does that suck.

And I still miss Shannon immensely. I close my eyes and I can see her as clearly as I did in February, wrapped in her blanket, all small and dead. And it seems like no time has passed as I can still cry just over the thought. And I wonder if I will ever be *better* when so many parts of my brain and my heart can't let go. And I wonder if I am meant to let this go, or if this is how I am supposed to live the rest of my life - avoiding pregnant people and baby showers and christenings and going to work on the weekends so I don't have to go to the playdate at the house with the new baby.

And I am tired because this is the person I have become. I am not being full of grace about my situation. I am angry, sad and pissed off. This journey sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. I am not a shining beacon of patience and light. I fucking don't want to be me or to be living this sad, apparently barren life. I have nothing much to say. I don't care if people think that I should be acting some other way or that people who are less twisted about their situation are somehow better than me. I don't believe in any of this anymore. I don't think that I believe that I will ever get pregnant or have another child any more. I am glad that I don't believe in god, because I don't need more disappointment in believing that some sort of higher power knows all of this crap is going on and keeps my beautiful friends from having the babies they deserve so much. And I don't know why that is right.

And I apologize for ignoring my blog for a few weeks at a time lately. And I don't want to remember that I am old and tired and wanting so badly to have the one thing that is just not there - my child.

In Judaism, today is a day of soul-searching and repentance. I am pretty sure my soul escaped out of one of the cracks in my heart, so if anyone finds it, please mail it back.

2 comments:

Lynne said...

Just sending you a little ~hug~.

Anonymous said...

Just checking in on you. I am so sorry you are so frustrated and angry and going through this hell. Thinking of you often...
Shelli