someday

Someday I'll be able to read other mom's blogs without crying all over my keyboard. Someday maybe I'll be able to read that book that sits on my nightstand about the mom who lost her baby and not cry when I'm a few pages into it. Someday maybe I'll feel healed enough. But I think I'll always cry. I think that losing Shannon left a door open in my heart that only other loss moms know about. A door that lets us cross over into each other's pain and let's us share our burdens with each other so that each of us can bear our pain, and help others bear theirs.

I think we do that because there are so many others who shut themselves off from us when we had our losses, so they wouldn't have to feel our pain, or "catch" our bad luck.

But even if that someday happens for me, I'll never believe that everything happens for a reason. And I'll never stop missing Shannon.

A week or so ago, we went to dinner with one of the "someone's" who disappeared when Shannon died. They likely disappeared because they were, at the time, pregnant with a girl and were likely freaked out by my Shannon's death. When I saw them, I was cordial, friendly even a little, but I was surprised to admit to myself that I was still kinda mad, in my heart, that they had ditched when the shit hit the fan for us. And that is ok.

happy birthday butterfly

It's been 3 years since we said hello and goodbye to Shannon. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. February is always a hard month to deal with. I had my first pregnancy loss in February, then, exactly one year later, my 3rd - Shannon.

Losing Shannon gave me a perspective on life that I never had. I have met so many people along the way of my loss journey, but losing Shannon was a real eye opener. Some people have fallen by the wayside because of how she has changed me, and others have come with me on this long journey of healing and self-discovery.

I'm here, I survived. I miss my little girl every day. I wish she didn't die, but I also know that my life would be radically different today if she had lived. If any of my lost butterflies had lived, I wouldn't have known the life I have now. And I wouldn't give up the life I have now, even if I could go back and change things.

I don't believe that stuff happens for a reason. I believe that stuff happens. How we deal with it is the measure of us as humans. How others relate to the bad things that happen to us is the measure of their value in our lives. To understand that, I believe, is a gift. A gift that Shannon gave to me, because she wasn't going to stay. And I appreciate that, even if my heart still hurts.

So, happy birthday little butterfly. I'm sure that you would have had an extraordinary life. And I look forward to Spring, when the butterflies will return and I'll send you wishes and love with each one.