Thursday, March 4, 2010

hallmark sucks at grief

I went to look for a sympathy card today. So little exists to talk about a dead baby. Unlike the death of an adult or a pet, the cards lack the ability to convey the simple thought that I am sorry that your baby died. These cards seem to assume that you have a lifetime of memories or experiences to remember when the person you are mourning is gone. In reality, we loss moms have moments. We have the experience of carrying our child. But we don't usually have the same thing that these cards assume we had. So, they just don't fit. And it creates a bit of a dilemma. Who wants to hurt someone by sending them a card that says, in essence, at least you have comfort from the warm memories of your loved one.

I know that we moms have love for those we lost, and love is certainly a warm thing, but it isn't the same when you are talking about the death of a child in utero or shortly after birth as opposed to the loss of an adult (for example). A lifetime for us is often compressed into those short moments where we hope, most fervently, that our little ones know that they are loved, that they know only peace and that we are immeasurably sad to see them leave us. For those of us who lost our babies before birth, we hope, in retrospect, that all of that love and peace was somehow conveyed across our placenta and across the universe, to our little one, to whom we said hello and goodbye to at the same time. Because they aren't supposed to leave us that soon.

I don't know a single mom who wouldn't give up everything for more moments, for more time to love, for time to create those memories that are all we have to sustain us later.

Most of all I wish that we didn't have to go looking for appropriate cards to express sadness at how much it sucks to be a loss momma.


MrsSpade said...

I wanted to thank you for your blog. I just recently lost my son @ 17 weeks & 3 days. I read your entire blog & I am relieved to know that I am crazy for how I have been feeling. Some of the things that you say are exactly what I have thought.

MrsSpade said...

*not* crazy....Sorry!