Friday, February 5, 2010

I don't like February

Just the thought of February can make me cry. The overwhelming sadness that I associate with this month, the fear, the pain, makes this month suck. It might be the shortest month of the year, but I loath it just the same. I pause lately, by Shannon's urn, and I stop and wonder about the alternative universe, where she didn't die, where things were very different, where February didn't suck. And I miss her. I wonder what she'd be like. I wonder if she would have been an easy going baby, like her big brother and the rainbow baby. I wonder what dealing with little girl fashion would have been like, because big brother pretty much wears anything, and rainbow baby wears whatever big brother wore all those many years ago when big brother was the baby.

And I miss her. I miss the concept of her. The thought of what could have been, or might have been. I wouldn't trade rainbow baby for anything, but just the same, I wish I could have them both. Rainbow baby has been a great healer, time has too, but it's still not the same.

Two years ago, we said hello and goodbye to our little girl. My little girl. And there's a part of my heart that still feels that pain. A part of my heart that always will. There's a part of my brain that relives a labor and delivery without joy, one that doesn't end in congratulations, but one that ends in a quiet room with a tiny baby in a little blanket. A baby who is small and cold and still. My baby. Shannon.

And I miss her. And love her. And cry for her still.


Kristi said...

Been thinking of you and Shannon. February seems to suck, heavily, for a large handfull of us. ((hugs))

crystal theresa said...

i'm sorry for how difficult this month is for you and how painful the missing of your little butterfly becomes whenever february comes along. you will always be Shannon's mommy. she will always be your baby girl. thinking of you. ((hugs))

Sheri Perl said...

I lost my son Danny on July 1, 2008 to an overdose. He was 22. In dedication to him I formed The Prayer Registry for parents who have lost children.

Please see my website and read about The Prayer Registry. This free website service is dedicated to all of the families who have lost children, whatever age that child was when they passed. This site registers the anniversary day of our children's crossing. The members of this online community,the Prayer Team, have the opportunity to honor their child's legacy, connect with other bereaved parents, and participate in world-wide group prayer for every registered loved one on the anniversary day of their passing.

There is no charge for this service; it is my sincere hope that every bereaved parent who registers a child will join the Prayer Team and be a source of prayer for all of the children on the other side. Each time another child is registered, the Prayer Team grows larger and stronger.

Please email Sheri at to register your loved one on The Prayer Registry. I need only your child’s full name along with the date that he or she passed to insure that your child receives prayer every year going forward on the anniversary day of his or her passing. Your child’s name will be published on The Prayer Registry calendar and I will upload comments, biographies, or any other information you want to share about your child with our community of bereaved parents. Once registered, you will be a member of the Prayer Team and will receive Prayer Registry reminders one week and one day before the anniversary day of one of our kids.

Please feel free to email any questions, concerns or feelings that you would like to share. My door is always open. I hope that this site provides some small measure of balm for the wounds of loss. From one bereaved parent to another, I welcome you to my site and offer my support.

This is one club that none of us would join by choice, but since we find ourselves in this unthinkable place, we stand stronger when we stand side by side.