Hello and goodbye

Two years ago today, we said hello and goodbye to Shannon. We miss her and love her still.

Shannon - mommy and daddy sent you a beautiful red balloon today. We hope that you got it. We love and miss you very much...

I don't like February

Just the thought of February can make me cry. The overwhelming sadness that I associate with this month, the fear, the pain, makes this month suck. It might be the shortest month of the year, but I loath it just the same. I pause lately, by Shannon's urn, and I stop and wonder about the alternative universe, where she didn't die, where things were very different, where February didn't suck. And I miss her. I wonder what she'd be like. I wonder if she would have been an easy going baby, like her big brother and the rainbow baby. I wonder what dealing with little girl fashion would have been like, because big brother pretty much wears anything, and rainbow baby wears whatever big brother wore all those many years ago when big brother was the baby.

And I miss her. I miss the concept of her. The thought of what could have been, or might have been. I wouldn't trade rainbow baby for anything, but just the same, I wish I could have them both. Rainbow baby has been a great healer, time has too, but it's still not the same.

Two years ago, we said hello and goodbye to our little girl. My little girl. And there's a part of my heart that still feels that pain. A part of my heart that always will. There's a part of my brain that relives a labor and delivery without joy, one that doesn't end in congratulations, but one that ends in a quiet room with a tiny baby in a little blanket. A baby who is small and cold and still. My baby. Shannon.

And I miss her. And love her. And cry for her still.