Friday, April 24, 2009

missing my baby

Sitting at my desk, watching the spring plants start to really take off, I'm taken back to this time last year, when I sat in the same spot, watching the same plants, which were much smaller last year, not having had a full growing season yet. I remember just how sad I was last Spring, planning Shannon's memorial flower garden, and missing being pregnant with her. Spring brings some sense of anticipation, of thoughts of warmer weather and being outside and being able to appreciate how all of these little plants live in the cold hard ground for so many months before they just pop out again, bigger than before. It's really quite amazing.

But, this is yet another Spring without Shannon. Instead of wondering what my 10 month old baby would be doing right now, I find myself seeing little girls everywhere I go, and seeing the future that I will miss out on. The little girl on the train, with her pink raincoat and the barbie doll with the really cool spring outfit - nope, not gonna get that opportunity with Shannon. The little girl being trundled off to daycare with her dad this morning with the really cute pigtails. Nope. Instead, what I've gotten this Spring is big, hot tears that show up and catch me by surprise, taking my breath away when I tried to go to sleep the other day because I was wondering how to properly remember and incorporate Shannon into any birth announcements that I might send out this summer. I was in tears last night watching Greys Anatomy, because there was a sick little girl who died in her daddy's arms. I mean, I cried. Full on crying. Over a stupid TV show. I'd blame hormones, but that's only part of it. The fact is that I really miss my little girl.

I don't like crying, it messes up my already messed up sinuses. I don't like crying because it doesn't make me feel better anymore, it just makes me feel spent. I don't like crying because it isn't going to bring back the little girl that I haven't held in over a year and will never hold again. It makes me realize that, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how far removed time makes the death of my little girl, it will always be there, just a moment away, waiting for the tears to start.

And Shannon will still be gone, even though her butterflies will be back soon.

4 comments:

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I know exactly what you mean. I hate crying, but I find myself always on the verge of tears. That is something new to me. I've never been much of a crier. I've learned to live with it these days. But it seems that anything can make me cry now.

I don't think it's your horomones.

Lea said...

Oh yes, crying comes so easily now. I seem to have endless tears for my baby boy.
I know what you mean about reminders... the turn of the seasons seem to be just a little bit worse for me. Just another tangible reminder that the earth insists on continuing to spin.

Take care of you.... xo

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I hate that you don't have your little girl with you and that you won't get to experience springtime with her. It isn't fair, and I know you will never be able to see children and not think about what you are missing out on. Hugs.

Tristansmommy said...

Liz so beautifully said, I know how you feel, every little boy I see, I'm the same way.. Many thoughts and prayers are with you my friend!! I know Shannon is looking down on you and smiling at her beautiful garden blooming, and her sending you angel kisses on butterfly wings!!
Shannon