Saturday, March 21, 2009

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

I’ve got a secret I’ve been hiding, under my skin…..

In the loss journey, there are a lot of stops on the road. And I’ve reached another stop. so here goes if you haven't figured it out.

We are Pregnant again.

We are 24 weeks today. And, I did NOT tell anyone until these past few weeks. We couldn’t. Losing Shannon has taken away that ability to just put it out there and figure that everything will be ok. Because I don’t believe that it works that way. I worry every day that it doesn’t work that way. I don’t believe in happy endings. I believe that stuff just happens. And I have no end game. I get up every day and hope that nothing bad happened. I wake up every night and hope nothing bad happened. It is always in my mind.

And, rationally or irrationally, we needed to get to March, and out of February, when two of our babies died, and make sure that this one didn’t too. Yes, it may be morbid – welcome to my world…

And no, being pregnant does NOT take away any of the grief I feel over my little baby girl. Not a bit. In some ways, it makes it more acute. As I sit here, crying for Shannon and (Lucy and Tristan and Gregory and Richard and Dash and Josie and Tyler and Collin and for all the other lost babies of my dear other deadbaby moms,) I know that this is a really long road. And I am nowhere near the end. And even getting to the end of this pregnancy won’t bring me to the end of this road. This baby is pretty much due on what would have been Shannon’s first birthday, IF she lived. But she didn’t. So, what do you do with that? Knowing that in a different universe that that cake would have one more candle, and a different baby in front of it, and all you do is hope that this year, you have a reason to be happy.

This blog was never meant to be about anything or anyone but Shannon. And it always will be. I don’t plan on playing out this pregnancy publicly, and talking about it here all that much. I don’t think that works for me. But the feelings and the fears are very intermixed, and how I feel now is just another part of this journey – Shannon’s journey – and we are on this road together, Shannon, baby and me. And it has changed me and how I feel. And reality is that a lot of you already know. And more good thoughts in the universe can't hurt. And I feel it’s more intellectually honest to put it out there. And it only seems right to say it out loud. And I really hope it works out this time.

7 comments:

Jessica said...

You can guarantee you will be getting good thoughts and lots of prayers from me. I am also anxious through my first pregnancy since the loss of Georgia. I will be praying for yours as I pray for mine. Hugs!

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I am so happy for you. If I ever get pregnant again, I don't think I will be able to tell anyone until I reach 24 weeks either. I don't know why exactly, but it just seems safer if I keep it to myself. Anyway, I'm sending you good vibes, and I'm thinking this time you are going to bring a living, breathing baby home.

Kristi said...

24 weeks... wow... I'm so proud of you :) well, you know what I mean. I kind of figure that rainbow/other baby and deadbaby is kind of like eating a twist cone but only wanting one flavor. You can TRY to just eat the chocolate but you're always going to leave some behind and get some vanilla in there. I just don't think you can ever divide the thoughts. I couldn't at least. Obscure, I know... I'm "cool" like that ;) Hey, did I mention that I'm over the moon for you?!?! :)

Lynne said...

I'm hoping and praying and thinking good thoughts and anything else that might help for you. You deserve a little brightness in your life.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Congratulations. I have to laugh at you apologize for being morbid, because I am the same way. When you have been through pain like this, you can't pretend life is all smiles and laughter. I also am dealing with a new pregnancy bringing my pain over losing Gregory to light again. I will certainly be thinking of you and your little one. You deserve so much. Hugs.

Sarah said...

I am praying for you during this pregnancy. You are right that being pregnant does not take away grief. I know how feel being terrified the entire time. I am very excited for you. Congratulations :)

Shelli said...

Liz... I am so happy for you... please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. 24 weeks is a long time to keep such a secret... I don't know how you did it. Though I know the pain of losing Shannon is still there, a wise woman once told me to enjoy my pregnancy and the baby inside and try not to be scared... (that was you btw!) Congratulations!