5 weeks

Five weeks ago, Shannon was alive. Little did we know that this would be the last day that she was alive. If we knew that, would we have done anything differently? What could we have done differently? She was too little to live, so we couldn't have delivered her. There is nothing that can be done to untangle a cord that is wrapped around a baby, if the baby doesn't do it herself. Technology has not gotten us that far. So, how different would today be if five weeks ago I knew that my child would die? Does the grief experience change when a death is expected? Is there more guilt, more time to wonder if I could have stood on my head, or lay on my side or did something else that would have shaken her loose before I lost her. I think there is less guilt in not knowing when something bad is about to happen. In reality, there should be no guilt, because nothing I did could have changed anything, and it is likely that nothing I culd have done would have changed the outcome. I loved my baby, and I lost her anyway.

How unfair is that - even people who get hit by cars made some kind of a choice to walk in the street or to do whatever it was that brought them into the path of the car, however accidental or inadvertent. I didn't do anything, and neither did Shannon. And yet, life happened to us. It's not a perfect world, and nothing is guaranteed, but yet, this seems singularly cruel.

I should be 23 weeks pregnant, not starting over. My baby should be with me. I shouldn't have to be worrying about putting off dental work or x-rays because I want to have a baby. I should be carrying my baby right now.

I am not the first person to suffer this kind of a loss. I am not the last. Unfortunately, I know people who have had losses since I lost Shannon and I am bound to meet many more on my journey. Man, that just sucks.