Cleaning up the clutter in my life

I have been on this organizational mission in my house for the past week. I am obsessed with getting rid of stuff and organizing things because losing Shannon has suddenly filled me with the feeling that I have entirely too much stuff and that very little of it actually matters, especially now, when the very thing that I wanted the most, my baby girl, is gone. Cleaning up and throwing stuff out is a distraction in a way, because for a time I can get lost in my clutter. I went down into my basement today and was struck by how much baby stuff we had down there - baby gates and strollers and car seats and toys, just waiting for the baby - and now the baby isn't coming for a while (and sometimes I wonder if the baby is coming ever.) I don't want to go into my basement anymore but I have so much more crap to toss away.

The human heart has an amazing capacity to grow in order to love each child and each person in your life. There is never an issue of dividing your love, because as soon as your heart knows that a new child is coming, it just makes new love to carry that person along. Before my lost babies, I had my son, and now I share my heart with 4 children, but there's only one that I get to hold and hug and kiss, and that makes my heart ache for the three that aren't here. There are so many things that I wonder about my lost children. I will never know the answers about the people they could have been - I know that life isn't fair, in fact, it sucks a lot of the time, but how much is one person expected to take before they just can't take any more? How is a woman supposed to survive for nine months with a new pregnancy living with the constant worry that something could go wrong - a worry that is made all the more real by the fact that something that had a 1 in a million chance of happening to my baby did, in fact, happen to mine? How do you come back from something like this?

On the DC cremation stamp front - the stamp has finally been obtained. We expect to get a call tomorrow from the funeral home that we can get Shannon and bring her home to us. Another box full of memories. I guess that by throwing out stuff I am making space in my house for her.