And I've started crying again...seems like it has been weeks, until Friday since I've really cried, then it all started again. The conversation started simple enough... him: well, Matt's a father... me: "well, good for them"-(as if I care). Then the part he didn't want to say - me: well, was it a boy or girl or a tree. him: a tree. me: really? him: they had a girl. me: . . . (except for the stupid tears.) I decided shortly thereafter that I guess it didn't matter because I was never going to meet this child, unless by accident.
Before you think I am more of bitch then you already do, keep in mind that this was the guy who was the best man at our wedding and my husband's best friend since they were kids. And he didn't call for over 6 weeks after we lost Shannon. And he hasn't said a word to me at all. I get that maybe you don't want to talk to the lady who gave birth to her dead baby in her second trimester when you were pregnant with your first child at the same stage - and with a girl to boot - but fuck you - you are supposed to be my husband's best friend and my friend too. So, I'm done. I don't need to get to know your child who is going to be doing everything my little girl would have done, at the same time she would have, except for the being dead part. To me, watching that would be like chewing tinfoil. And I need it like I need a hole in my head.
It's interesting, I don't feel this way about my friends who all had girls earlier this year. I like their babies. I can be with them without crying. I enjoy being with them. It's just the ones who are popping out the kids right now. Because I would have been in the home stretch of my pregnancy, a place where I could have gotten my doctors to induce (as early as this week). And that hurts. And I see how many people who were my indispensible pregnant friends having a baby (or getting close) and suddenly finding me dispensible. And that hurts too.
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