Planting flowers in memory of Shannon

I started a flower garden in memory of my daughter. If the rabbits don't eat everything, it should be full of beautiful flowers soon. It doesn't come close to making me feel better, but at least I feel like I am doing something to beautify the world the way she would have had she lived. I wish there was something that I could do that would take away the pain of losing her, or the pain of my friends who have gone through similar losses, but there isn't anything that can fix that. There are so many people in the world who lost their baby who would have been great parents, while so many children suffer in terrible and cruel homes, and it isn't fair.

I've wondered for a while what I have learned from this loss - and all that I can figure out is that we don't decide when our children come into this world, and we don't decide when they leave, but we love them deeply and we hurt deeply when they are gone. And planning your life around expectations can leave you with nothing if they don't work out, so it might be better to just let things happen. But I still miss my baby and wish she was still here with me.

Two months out of a long lifetime

Two months have gone by. I have said it before, this has been a long two months. Time, with regard to Shannon, moves at a different pace than regular time. And it is amazing how close to the surface the tears still are and how quickly they come. There is a lot of guilt involved in moving on, or moving forward, or just moving. There is no sense that any of this has an end, it just seems that the grief goes on, and sometimes you find some new pot of grief that you hadn't even found before and there you go, back into the grief again. And what comes next? I don't know. I don't know if I will be able to have any more children. How do you know when to give up? When it is time to say enough is enough? All I know is that 8 weeks later, I miss my daughter so much. I didn't know what a broken heart really felt like before now, or how much it hurts. I want my daughter back and it's just not fair.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown

Hope

If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.--

Martin Luther King, Jr

When We Meet Again

How will I know you?
Will it be that I can hold you in my arms
After holding you in my heart
for so long?
Will you whisper my name
"Mommy"
In the sweet voice of a little girl?
Or will you cry out like a quiring orchestra
in glorious awakening?
Will you wrap your tiny arms around my neck?
If you do,
I will never let you go.
I am sure I will know you
When our eyes meet
My shattered heart will fill with joy
And we will dance on golden streets.
Will you tell me
That it's been you all along
Protecting and caring for us?
Surely, I will know you
When we meet again.
Because fifty years from now
You will still be my little girl.

-Joanne Cacciatore

Celebrity Preggos

I don't care if Angelina Jolie is having twins. I don't care about J.Lo's spawn. I don't care if Gwen Stefani thinks you should get more than one baby shower. I don't care if Giada had a girl and I certainly don't need her sage baby advice on the Today Show. I don't give a fart about Christina Aguilara or Nicole Richie or any of the other useless wastes of air that are having kids. Why does every freakin' magazine in this country think we do????

There are people in the world who just want a baby, their baby - whether it is a baby they carry themselves, an adopted baby - which is so stupid expensive and complicated in this country, or a baby that science helps with. Most people in this country can't afford traditional or international adoption, they can't afford IVF or IUI, they can't hire a surrogate, they can't afford a donor egg. So what is the freaking obsession with celebrity kids? Why should I care that so and so got her celebrity body back just a week after having her kids - maybe its because when she had her early c-section, they did the tummy tuck too - but they didn't mention that in the article. Or, let's talk about the early c-section - did you need it? Was your health or your baby's health in danger? Or were you just looking for a good week to be in People magazine when no-one else was having a baby? Did you want to try to avoid those last week's stretch marks because they are the worst? Was it worth it to risk your celebrity baby's health to do it? I am not sure that they care because a lot of them seem to have a lot of nannies and butlers and people to take care of their kids for them. But, they aren't working - so why aren't they able to take care of their own kids? They gave birth to them and collected the money from people magazine for the pictures - don't they want to take care of them? Now, not all celebrity moms are like that - some do feed their kids themselves and stuff like that - but they don't seem to be the ones on the covers of the magazines. I am just not sure what is right with this world that this is news.

Maybe it's just me because I'm bitter over my losses. But I doubt it.

Everybody stands where they sit

I've been wondering lately, could this all be worse? Sure it could, but how? Is your pain different because you have kids already vs. not? Probably. I don't think my pain from losing Shannon is less, but I think inherent in the equation is that at some point, my body produced a child. Whether it can or will do that again is where I am totally at a loss, but at some point it did. And I have that. I know that, it's real. And so I don't know what all of this would be like if I didn't have my son. But I am sure that it would be scary. And truthfully, now I worry more about losing him than I ever did before. So, I lost a little there too.

So then, does the fact that I had three losses make this different? Sure. I don't know if my body can do it anymore because it hasn't done it lately - so, I get to worry in the first trimester if I am going to have another first trimester loss; then I get to worry in the second if I am going to have a loss; and then, after that, I get to worry that something bad that HASN'T happened to me yet could happen. And I don't know if that is all that different from any mom who has suffered the tragic loss of their child, but it is really scary.