This has been a divisive year. First, losing Shannon, which has sucked beyond suck. Then, dealing with the aftermath of losing Shannon, which includes my inability to successfully get pregnant (still). Then, dealing with some less than supportive siblings, parents and friends, who don't know quite what to do or say, so they kinda just want me to get over it or hope that I have (they don't know if I have because they don't ask.)
It's also a divisive election year so, like anyone else who is trying to distract themselves from being a grieving mom, I've been engaging myself in other things, like election debate and discussion. It's interesting, fun and educational (and a great distraction)
Until yesterday. Yesterday, someone pissed me off. Big time. And it wasn't really about an election issue, per se. And I want to get it off my chest because it really bothered me, as the mom of a deadbaby.
A pregnant person yesterday pitched a fit over someone posting a photo of their stillborn son on an internet discussion board. She said that it was going to give her nightmares and that it ruined the rest of her pregnancy. And told the mom that photos like that don't belong.
Wow. Just wow. So, to her, oblivious pregnant woman, I say SUCK IT. And get over it. And a great big fuck you. Who are you to tell any mom that their photos of their child, living or dead, do not meet your standards of what is acceptable. I don't care that you want to go through your pregnancy pretending that people like us don't exist and that bad things don't happen. Lalala, better get your fingers out of your ears before you cross the street. We do exist and there are an awful lot of us, and what you said was stupid, hurtful and showed your ignorance of reality. Not every pregnancy boils down to 9 months = baby. Get over yourself.
You are not better than anyone else. And just because you don't want to think about the unthinkable, guess what, it's our life. We are living your nightmare every day. And we hope and wish every day that you don't ever know our pain or what it is like to not get to bring our babies home alive.
Don't demean us by acting like we are supposed to pretend that we and our children don't exist. Because that only pisses us off. And you made my friend cry, which really pisses me off. We are allowed to publicly post our birth announcements, we are allowed to show pictures of our children, we are allowed to call ourselves moms. And if you don't like it, well you can kiss my fat ass.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
days of atonement
So, yesterday was really the 8 month mark of losing Shannon and today is the 8 month mark of when she was born, but I was crazy at work yesterday defending my client against an asshat, and I was so tired when I got home that I was ready to puke, so reflecting on my loss didn't make the cut. How do I feel after 8 months? I am fucking frustrated that I am not pregnant yet. Let's start with that because never in my life has it taken me 8 months to get pregnant. I am totally frustrated that I conceived Shannon a year ago this month and I still have jack shit to show for any of my reproductive efforts. And, I am probably about to get my period tomorrow or friday, which will just let my raging bitch continue her tirade. And the march towards 40 with no baby continues on.
I am at the point now where I have to donate all the formula samples I got because they expire in June 2009 and I won't have a baby by then, even if I find out I am pregnant today (which I am not). So, then I will have empty cupboards to go with the empty uterus and the empty heart. And man does that suck.
And I still miss Shannon immensely. I close my eyes and I can see her as clearly as I did in February, wrapped in her blanket, all small and dead. And it seems like no time has passed as I can still cry just over the thought. And I wonder if I will ever be *better* when so many parts of my brain and my heart can't let go. And I wonder if I am meant to let this go, or if this is how I am supposed to live the rest of my life - avoiding pregnant people and baby showers and christenings and going to work on the weekends so I don't have to go to the playdate at the house with the new baby.
And I am tired because this is the person I have become. I am not being full of grace about my situation. I am angry, sad and pissed off. This journey sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. I am not a shining beacon of patience and light. I fucking don't want to be me or to be living this sad, apparently barren life. I have nothing much to say. I don't care if people think that I should be acting some other way or that people who are less twisted about their situation are somehow better than me. I don't believe in any of this anymore. I don't think that I believe that I will ever get pregnant or have another child any more. I am glad that I don't believe in god, because I don't need more disappointment in believing that some sort of higher power knows all of this crap is going on and keeps my beautiful friends from having the babies they deserve so much. And I don't know why that is right.
And I apologize for ignoring my blog for a few weeks at a time lately. And I don't want to remember that I am old and tired and wanting so badly to have the one thing that is just not there - my child.
In Judaism, today is a day of soul-searching and repentance. I am pretty sure my soul escaped out of one of the cracks in my heart, so if anyone finds it, please mail it back.
I am at the point now where I have to donate all the formula samples I got because they expire in June 2009 and I won't have a baby by then, even if I find out I am pregnant today (which I am not). So, then I will have empty cupboards to go with the empty uterus and the empty heart. And man does that suck.
And I still miss Shannon immensely. I close my eyes and I can see her as clearly as I did in February, wrapped in her blanket, all small and dead. And it seems like no time has passed as I can still cry just over the thought. And I wonder if I will ever be *better* when so many parts of my brain and my heart can't let go. And I wonder if I am meant to let this go, or if this is how I am supposed to live the rest of my life - avoiding pregnant people and baby showers and christenings and going to work on the weekends so I don't have to go to the playdate at the house with the new baby.
And I am tired because this is the person I have become. I am not being full of grace about my situation. I am angry, sad and pissed off. This journey sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. I am not a shining beacon of patience and light. I fucking don't want to be me or to be living this sad, apparently barren life. I have nothing much to say. I don't care if people think that I should be acting some other way or that people who are less twisted about their situation are somehow better than me. I don't believe in any of this anymore. I don't think that I believe that I will ever get pregnant or have another child any more. I am glad that I don't believe in god, because I don't need more disappointment in believing that some sort of higher power knows all of this crap is going on and keeps my beautiful friends from having the babies they deserve so much. And I don't know why that is right.
And I apologize for ignoring my blog for a few weeks at a time lately. And I don't want to remember that I am old and tired and wanting so badly to have the one thing that is just not there - my child.
In Judaism, today is a day of soul-searching and repentance. I am pretty sure my soul escaped out of one of the cracks in my heart, so if anyone finds it, please mail it back.
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